Here I am, 36 years old looking at my old posts and I'm happy to say that they don't make me cringe.  

I feel a little bit beaten up now though. OK ALOT more beaten up. 

I'm a single mother who is in the process of getting a divorce from my husband who was basically the only guy I've ever been with.

Simultaneously,  I'm also trying to uproot myself and leave the country of my birth. 

With my son, who was born with clubfoot and needs to be treated until he's at least six years old. (I hope)

I haven't held a steady job since Dec 2016.

There is the big scary beast that is telling me that my dreams are impossible. but through it all my lil voice inside my head tells me that I will do it- one step at a time.

About the end of a 12 year relationship...I'm a bit wooden to be honest.  I hope he finds someone who makes him happy.

I did not make him happy.

I should also say that he did not make me happy. I was probably more willing to sacrifice myself though which is why the marriage lasted as long as it did. That is the root of my issues I guess. I say things are ok- when its not. 

I can REALLY take a beating, no one hurts me as much as I hurt myself.

I mean I did have an inkling of what was to come when I was cleaning up champagne from the floor on my wedding night while my ex was laughing and chatting with his friend. I distinctly remember thinking (laughingly, I should add-stupid..stupid me) that this didn't bode well for our marriage.

But warning bells started ringing when I started losing respect for him. More specifically when I saw how he was dealing with the tough times. He was always a gossip and there were times when he and his friends made "jokes" that were out of line. But when life got hard the humor got uglier. I was no longer able to carry a conversation with him that didn't end with me telling him that I wasn't interested in discussing nasty gossip.

Also, I started drawing parallels with my mother (who I don't have a very healthy relationship with)

My relationship with his mother took a nosedive which deeply angered him. But instead of talking about a solution the only option I was given was to ignore it. and pretend that everything was ok. As I was living with his family it definitely made me feel isolated. 

I endured because my days were extremely busy. I worked very far away from where I lived and my job was hectic which meant that most of the time I was simply ignoring big ticket issues.

He also found it difficult to mingle with people who weren't in his circle. At first it was ok, he'd just come across as reserved but as time went by I started to prefer not to bring him when I met my friends because he would be sullen.

I think it was the end of 2015 when I realized that I wanted out. I had to meet with a doctor in Kerala, a fertility specialist who clearly told me that I would have to undergo a laparoscopy to figure out why we weren't able to conceive.

He told me that he couldn't take leave from his business to accompany me even though I told him that I was scared as I have never had to go through an operation (or basically any medical procedure to be honest- until that point of time in my life I had never even pulled a tooth). He only showed up after the operation because the doctor insisted that he be present.

a few months later his mother had to undergo a keyhole operation. he was visibly upset that he couldn't be there for her. It didn't sit well with me- not that he wanted to be with his mom at a difficult time, but that he couldn't show me the same courtesy. Now thinking back it makes me realize how little he truly cared about me.

I had given my 6 month notice at work. I was planning on going to the US and just trying my luck with a job hunt. I knew I would not come back. And I knew he would not join me. I was ok with that.

Then 3 months before I was about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime, life swiftly reached a crossroad. I found out I was pregnant and that is when things came to a head. 

While I was pregnant we were happy enough. But once I gave birth things took a further nosedive.  I had to deal with my sons health issues with clubfoot and eczema as well as all the trials and tribulations that came with rearing a new born. His mother found me too involved in Rohan's day to day.  My ex wanted me to give his mother more control-

Yes I was like a general. (still am for that matter) but when I think back to all my son and I have accomplished together in these four years I have no regrets. His Doc once told me a year ago that the fact that Rohan was walking without his AFO's is amazing and congratulated me on the effort I put in.

My ex was not really active in the process. he made sure he was present for all the surgeries and for the first 1.5 years he made sure he was present for all the appointments.

He never involved himself with the care though. to the point that he avoided even changing his diapers. If I wanted to go out with my friends he would arrange for his sister to take care of his son. And the only time I left our son with him for 3 days- but my son relapsed and had to be casted once more. This has never happened again in the 3 years since. 

He started putting a lot of pressure on me to return to work(a big part of me felt that this was because his family kept insinuating that I was too involved in my sons care and without me around they would have more freedom to do whatever they wanted) 

But at the same time he refused to hire full time help to take care of the lil guy. He also became very pessimistic once I actively started looking for a job. He would frequently tell me that since I had been out of work for so long it would be very difficult to get a job. 

I was thrilled when I got a job within a month of applying. Juggling a child and work was stressful but I was relived to have some 'grown up time' because, as most mothers would confess, being surrounded by kids day in and out can be mind numbing.

Unfortunately,  Covid-19 fear struck Dubai and I was laid off after only working for 3 months. Once again Abi was so nasty to me about it with the I-told-you-so's. That was when I started thinking - why the hell am I putting up with this bullshit? 

In May we had a huge fight and I asked him why was he being such an asshole to me. He basically told me that he wanted me to leave, that he was surprised that I stuck around for as long as I did. Later he said that it was said in the heat of the moment but I knew that the core of it rang true.

It was the 'uncoupling' moment for me. I felt like my marriage was this enormous weight and once he said those words, I just dropped the load. And it feels so good that I refuse to pick it up again.

I refuse to TRY again. 

I'm done.

I wrote this a couple of months ago. probably around the time I arrived in India- so Feb- March.

Not much has changed but as with any major life decision there are doubts. 

Will this hurt Rohan?

Will I be able to do this alone?

Will this bite me in the ass and I just cant see it right now?

All questions driven by fear. So I'm ok. I know better then to give into those fears.

I thought about publishing the post earlier-but I really didn't want to rock the boat. and having these thoughts out there on the WORLD WIDE WEB was frightening, to say the least. But today we filed for divorce. So to mark the occasion it seemed appropriate to sit with myself and remind myself of all the reasons I made this decision.

Here I am saying goodbye to the only romantic relationship I've ever had. It started with a lot of promise but things just didn't work. While I hate failing I know I gave it everything so there are no regrets.

Time to dust myself off and get my life back in gear.

So here's to: 

New beginning's.

Self love.

And to finding my way back to happiness again.