Here I am, 36 years old looking at my old posts and I'm happy to say that they don't make me cringe.  

I feel a little bit beaten up now though. OK ALOT more beaten up. 

I'm a single mother who is in the process of getting a divorce from my husband who was basically the only guy I've ever been with.

Simultaneously,  I'm also trying to uproot myself and leave the country of my birth. 

With my son, who was born with clubfoot and needs to be treated until he's at least six years old. (I hope)

I haven't held a steady job since Dec 2016.

There is the big scary beast that is telling me that my dreams are impossible. but through it all my lil voice inside my head tells me that I will do it- one step at a time.

About the end of a 12 year relationship...I'm a bit wooden to be honest.  I hope he finds someone who makes him happy.

I did not make him happy.

I should also say that he did not make me happy. I was probably more willing to sacrifice myself though which is why the marriage lasted as long as it did. That is the root of my issues I guess. I say things are ok- when its not. 

I can REALLY take a beating, no one hurts me as much as I hurt myself.

I mean I did have an inkling of what was to come when I was cleaning up champagne from the floor on my wedding night while my ex was laughing and chatting with his friend. I distinctly remember thinking (laughingly, I should add-stupid..stupid me) that this didn't bode well for our marriage.

But warning bells started ringing when I started losing respect for him. More specifically when I saw how he was dealing with the tough times. He was always a gossip and there were times when he and his friends made "jokes" that were out of line. But when life got hard the humor got uglier. I was no longer able to carry a conversation with him that didn't end with me telling him that I wasn't interested in discussing nasty gossip.

Also, I started drawing parallels with my mother (who I don't have a very healthy relationship with)

My relationship with his mother took a nosedive which deeply angered him. But instead of talking about a solution the only option I was given was to ignore it. and pretend that everything was ok. As I was living with his family it definitely made me feel isolated. 

I endured because my days were extremely busy. I worked very far away from where I lived and my job was hectic which meant that most of the time I was simply ignoring big ticket issues.

He also found it difficult to mingle with people who weren't in his circle. At first it was ok, he'd just come across as reserved but as time went by I started to prefer not to bring him when I met my friends because he would be sullen.

I think it was the end of 2015 when I realized that I wanted out. I had to meet with a doctor in Kerala, a fertility specialist who clearly told me that I would have to undergo a laparoscopy to figure out why we weren't able to conceive.

He told me that he couldn't take leave from his business to accompany me even though I told him that I was scared as I have never had to go through an operation (or basically any medical procedure to be honest- until that point of time in my life I had never even pulled a tooth). He only showed up after the operation because the doctor insisted that he be present.

a few months later his mother had to undergo a keyhole operation. he was visibly upset that he couldn't be there for her. It didn't sit well with me- not that he wanted to be with his mom at a difficult time, but that he couldn't show me the same courtesy. Now thinking back it makes me realize how little he truly cared about me.

I had given my 6 month notice at work. I was planning on going to the US and just trying my luck with a job hunt. I knew I would not come back. And I knew he would not join me. I was ok with that.

Then 3 months before I was about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime, life swiftly reached a crossroad. I found out I was pregnant and that is when things came to a head. 

While I was pregnant we were happy enough. But once I gave birth things took a further nosedive.  I had to deal with my sons health issues with clubfoot and eczema as well as all the trials and tribulations that came with rearing a new born. His mother found me too involved in Rohan's day to day.  My ex wanted me to give his mother more control-

Yes I was like a general. (still am for that matter) but when I think back to all my son and I have accomplished together in these four years I have no regrets. His Doc once told me a year ago that the fact that Rohan was walking without his AFO's is amazing and congratulated me on the effort I put in.

My ex was not really active in the process. he made sure he was present for all the surgeries and for the first 1.5 years he made sure he was present for all the appointments.

He never involved himself with the care though. to the point that he avoided even changing his diapers. If I wanted to go out with my friends he would arrange for his sister to take care of his son. And the only time I left our son with him for 3 days- but my son relapsed and had to be casted once more. This has never happened again in the 3 years since. 

He started putting a lot of pressure on me to return to work(a big part of me felt that this was because his family kept insinuating that I was too involved in my sons care and without me around they would have more freedom to do whatever they wanted) 

But at the same time he refused to hire full time help to take care of the lil guy. He also became very pessimistic once I actively started looking for a job. He would frequently tell me that since I had been out of work for so long it would be very difficult to get a job. 

I was thrilled when I got a job within a month of applying. Juggling a child and work was stressful but I was relived to have some 'grown up time' because, as most mothers would confess, being surrounded by kids day in and out can be mind numbing.

Unfortunately,  Covid-19 fear struck Dubai and I was laid off after only working for 3 months. Once again Abi was so nasty to me about it with the I-told-you-so's. That was when I started thinking - why the hell am I putting up with this bullshit? 

In May we had a huge fight and I asked him why was he being such an asshole to me. He basically told me that he wanted me to leave, that he was surprised that I stuck around for as long as I did. Later he said that it was said in the heat of the moment but I knew that the core of it rang true.

It was the 'uncoupling' moment for me. I felt like my marriage was this enormous weight and once he said those words, I just dropped the load. And it feels so good that I refuse to pick it up again.

I refuse to TRY again. 

I'm done.

I wrote this a couple of months ago. probably around the time I arrived in India- so Feb- March.

Not much has changed but as with any major life decision there are doubts. 

Will this hurt Rohan?

Will I be able to do this alone?

Will this bite me in the ass and I just cant see it right now?

All questions driven by fear. So I'm ok. I know better then to give into those fears.

I thought about publishing the post earlier-but I really didn't want to rock the boat. and having these thoughts out there on the WORLD WIDE WEB was frightening, to say the least. But today we filed for divorce. So to mark the occasion it seemed appropriate to sit with myself and remind myself of all the reasons I made this decision.

Here I am saying goodbye to the only romantic relationship I've ever had. It started with a lot of promise but things just didn't work. While I hate failing I know I gave it everything so there are no regrets.

Time to dust myself off and get my life back in gear.

So here's to: 

New beginning's.

Self love.

And to finding my way back to happiness again.

I graduated a month an a half ago. Almost immediately I had to start looking for a job. Initially my mindset was- hey you know what... it’s going to be a piece of cake. Everything was up to that point- but I never realized that I had had that security blanket. I was completely oblivious to the warm comfort that is the educational system.
Things are planned for you up until the end of your education. You know that after kindergarten you have to deal with grade school and high school and before you know it you’re in college.

But then what?

You have to get yourself a job. But is it that simple? What do you want to be? Well in my case I studied to be an Interior Designer.

But suddenly I feel like I'm five years old again and I want to be a flight stewardess, I want to fly all over the world free as can be and see things that make me believe that living on this planet is one of the best things there is.

The past week I remembered another one of my dream careers-I wanted to pursue a career in sculpture at one point. But before that idea even began to flower it was crushed because even at 12 I remember telling myself that I’d have to supplement such a career with something more solid (I was 12 for crying out loud)

Then there was my stint with photography. A definite possibility after a course of about 2 months-I was one of the most interesting experiences-life behind the lens.

So what do I do?
Knee jerk reaction. - marry a rich gorgeous sheikh and do everything!

Reality Check. Stick to the plan. Be an interior designer. Work with people who inspire me. Travel and still find time for hobbies like photography and sculpture.

But First......
Get off my lazy butt and find myself a job.

The user name right angle does not convey a gift with numbers(trig to be more specific) My first year of university my prof basically told be that nothing made naturally is at a right angle.Yet we as people (not just designers) seem obsessed with straight lines and perfect angles.so when i get particularly anal about certain things happening around me it basically reminds me to let loose and live a lil.
besides.. my skills in math are practically nonexistent.

Thought i'd better throw myself into writing or the journal would only be a half hearted attempt at shaping up my writing skills-and how great would that look on a list of my lifes acheivments?

So what got my goat today?
ahh i was driving a fast as i could with a whole lot of traffic when this car that had been parked cut with indicators flashing the whole shebang he wasnt even hesitating to get into the flow of traffic.2 seconds and he was in front of me. nice and smooth wht reason did i have to not let him infront of me?
None whatsoever.
but the guy behind me had something to say.he started honking his horn and cut into the side road presumably to have words with me.I wasnt in a good mood and he must have noticed coz he simply waved his arms around and mouthed a series of cusses.
I realy hate macho jackasses on the road.

I really hate that that is the only event that stood out in my day today.
ahh wait.. im getting borderline anal..

deeps breaths...whoosa.

nothing like an image of Martin Lawrence and Will Smith to get a girl smiling.

If theres any justice in this world I hope that the buggar ran out of gas and had to push his van home.

I love the place but not always the people.

born and bred.

I know no other country as intimately as this one.

but i can't call it home.

Dubai-a society that doesn't care.

On May 30th 2005 I hit this lone pedestrian who was crossing a 4 lane highway (Shk. Zayed Rd.). It was like he had a death wish. Well if he did he was lucky enough to have me come around and fulfill it.
See I'm always trying to justify what happened.
I mean it was a four lane highway. Who would be crazy enough to attempt to cross a 4 lane highway drunk? (I forgot to mention that his blood alcohol level was approaching blood poisoning level. he was oblivious to everything-it’s a comfort to me-I don’t think he saw me coming)
It was a traumatic experience. These days I think of it frame by frame rather then the sequence of events... I really love the human mind. At least I love my mind. It knows just what to do to cope.
Thinking it of it as a sequence- well I was working late at university-3 days for the end of term and I’d just gotten myself on schedule. I had it all planned-getting through the next three days was going to be a breeze. So I left college on the 30th May at 12:30am in high spirits. I was tired but very happy at the thought of going home and getting into bed. At 12:45am I saw a man on the road crossing onto my track. I hit the brakes with my unconscious saying ‘fuck no fuck no’ but I felt the impact, saw the cracked windscreen and what could only be blood. The brain registered that I'm in big trouble but my mind said ‘no no no’ my foot was off the brake and just moving slowly and all around me cars screeched to a stop. All I wanted to do is hit the accelerator and run but the brain kicked in and I came to a complete stop.
I think I sat in the car for a minute or two getting my bearings. I knew he was dead. I distinctly remember a sliver of something pink and slimy on the dashboard. I do believe that it was a bit of the poor bastards’ brain. I remember being slightly shaky getting out of the car. I thought I was in shock but I was thinking pretty coherently so I told myself to snap out of it. I walked up to the car closest to me and he asked me ‘what is that thing on the road’ I told him that it was a human being. I really didn’t know how I was supposed to act. I couldn’t think of anything to say- human being. Damn I killed a man. It feels almost plastic. Like I’d read it in a book and it isn’t me living the story.
I hadn’t any credit on my cell phone that night so I asked the man if I could use his cell phone and called up my dad who was fast asleep 20 minutes away.
It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do to date. Calling up my father and telling him that I’d had an accident and that I’d hit a man. The panic in his voice worried me. He’s not a young man and not very well-I never wanted to bring anything like this down on his head.
Everyone around me was very sweet. The police said it wasn’t a problem that I didn’t have to be worried because it happens lots of times. I was shocked- and uncomfortable. I mean the guy was dead and all everyone had to say was its ok it happens all the time. I have to admit that I was relieved in the sense everyone made it sound like an everyday event. But I couldn’t simply say ‘hey it’s alright happens all the time.’
Thank god my father and sister came. I saw their faces when they rushed over to me with their arms open and I started crying then and there. Public displays of emotion shame me no matter how many times I go through them.
It was a trying day to say the least I mean I was up practically 24 hours that night and I’ve never missed a day of sleep-never ever. I’d been on my feet since around six that morning and 22 hours later I was being interrogated by this cop who was under the impression that I was joyriding and that mowing down live men was something I did for kicks. I was pretty annoyed with that guy.
Anyway when you aren’t in the situation you’ll never completely understand. Just a few days ago my dad told me that he felt that the accident could have been averted if I had a better presence of mind-if I’d been more alert. My self pitying self is thinking. Oh so what are you trying to say? That I killed the guy? I mean its one thing saying that there’s absolutely nothing you could have done about- it wasn’t your fault. And then there’s saying it wasn’t your fault but if you had been more careful this wouldn’t have happened.
I mean come on. All I want to do is to forget.
I wrote this about four months after my accident.

Its been 9 months now but it feels like it happened eons ago.Im glad to say that I put it behind me.I rarely think about it except when i'm driving and these crazy pedestrians decide to throw themselves onto my path.

Then i read this article in the Gulf News where workers actually admit to dashing across the road in the hopes of securing a pretty substantial sum in blood money.
http://archive.gulfnews.com/articles/06/03/29/10028914.html

the labourer who opened up to the press about the story says:
he learnt about the blood money rule from his colleagues while working as a daily wage earner.
"At first I was quite scared about getting knocked down by a vehicle. "I know only a couple of others who are attempting the same. I am desperate," he said.

I was skeptical when people comforted me with this information just after my accident.It angers me at the jeopardy these people place everyone involved.For instance if i hadnt had insurance i would have found myself in jail for a year.As it was i am extremely lucky to have been released after 16 hours.

But im glad that Dubai is finally beginning change their outlook on pedestrian deaths on Highways.It should not be legal to cross a highway.There should be pedestrian crossings at every interchange.Development of Dubai's infrastructure should encourage pedestrian activity not just the motorists.
With 2 people dying every day in Dubai, which is a pretty small city-things have to change.